I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize