i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Randomize
