Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
