where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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