Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
