dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
