when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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