I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
