Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize