If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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