In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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