How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
