OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
