I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
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