Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
