My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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