Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Randomize
