Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
