Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
