So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
