Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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