So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
