Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
