Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize