I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
