Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize