Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
