Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Randomize
