i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize