: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
