So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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