im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
My liver just had a heart attack.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
