I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
