Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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