I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
