Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
