We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
