Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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