words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
