Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
