I murdered the dance floor call the cops
barbara walters just said penis...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
