If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
