Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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