I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
