I smell stomach acid.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
