gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
A bitchslap is in order.
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