I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
