I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he fucked my hip out of place.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Shame is for Republicans.
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