We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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