I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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