we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
How's work?
Spinning.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
