I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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