I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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