My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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