Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
he fucked my hip out of place.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize