Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
