Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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