We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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