I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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