I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
